Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The Eward Epidemic

I wrote this for my friend's magazine which is geared towards Mormon men. It's written as a response to this article. It's a little rough...but I probably won't fix it.

The Edward Epidemic: Those Affected Should Seek Help

Let’s begin with a confession, shall we?  There’s nothing like starting a relationship with a clean slate. I, like countless other women, was once a die-hard Twi-hard.  That’s right, I said it.  I read each book twice, okay thrice and I was trapped in my hopeless romanticism.  I swooned, I pined, and I dreamed of the day that a man, or vampire, rather, like Edward Cullen would sweep my off my feet into a beautiful, blood lusting, sparkly eternity.
Then something fantastic happened, I woke up from that ridiculous dream that poisons the minds of everyday women to the men of the real world.  Most would say that Stephanie Meyers set the bar too high with Edward for any less fictional men to ever attain.  I, on the other hand, believe that he makes real men all the more desirable.  Let me explain.
Edward is undeniably attractive.  It’s irrefutable, he’s just written that way, but I’m convinced that no self-respecting woman, upon reviewing his qualities, would fall for such a man.  On that note, I must say that while his taste in women is poor, he was lucky to find a girl such as Bella.  She is insecure, needy, obsessive, possessive and in all honesty, boring as a brick.  Like I said, any self-respecting woman would be able to see right through his iridescent skin and striking features to his off-putting and unacceptable behavior. 
Upon first seeing Bella, Edward spent the entirety of their lunch period glowering at her from across the room.  Then came the cute-meet that was anything but cute.  Their first interaction consisted of him treating her like she killed his puppy, which he probably did, that non-human eating vamp hippie.  I digress.  After having disappeared for a few days, he returned and was nothing but pleasant and charming.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not lost to the fact that he was resisting the urge to slaughter and drain his future wife, but in the real world, these would be considered the red flags of Crazy Town.  Though I didn’t think it possible, dear Eddie’s creeper behavior escalated.  Luckily, Bella found it comforting that he crept in through her window at night to watch her sleep and let’s be honest, with a face like that, who really cares that he read the minds of innocent people so that he could, for all intents and purposes, stalk her.  And wasn’t it just darling how he disabled her truck to keep her from visiting a friend?  No.
I suppose the point I’m trying to make, gentle readers, is that you shouldn’t be intimidated by Edward Cullen.  Well, you shouldn’t be intimidated by any fictional character, because when it comes to existing in reality, they’ve got nothing on you.  I’m sure there are plenty of women out there that would defend Edward to the grave (pun intended) for being chivalrous and romantic.  Now, I’m not saying that those women are being na├»ve and ridiculous, but either they are or I am and I certainly am not.


  1. Remember how your points made against Edward are EXACTLY why I have and always will hate those books. Sneaking into my room to watch me sleep.. Creeper! Disabling my car so I can't go hang out with another guy.. Controling Creeper! Also, I feel that it should be noted that Bella is a creeper also. In essence she is chosing between Nechrophilia and Beastiality, both of which are SOOO wrong. ... That is all I have to say. Love you!

  2. I like your article. And thank you for sparing me from actually having to read that whole messy batch of teeny-bopper vampire nonsense. - The Empress