I lay immobile and breathe in deeply, trying to hold onto everything about you. In this moment, I am painfully aware of what comes next, but I ignore it thinking only of how, just now, you are mine and mine alone. There is no sound beyond the beating of your heart and the faint whisper of your breath. I feel the rhythm lull me into a feeling of safety and security, false as it may be. I fight the sleep that is overtaking me, knowing that if I sleep, the time will pass far too quickly. Morning is almost here; I can see the grey light entering through the blinds. I bury my head into your chest as you pull me closer and kiss my forehead.
"Just...just stay, okay? Don't go. You don't have to go."
It's a plea whispered into and muffled by your body. I feel the change as you tilt your head back slightly. I know what you're thinking before you voice it.
"You know I can't."
Yes, I know, of course I know. How could I not? It's always the same. But I have to ask, just in case. Maybe one day you'll just smile and say, "Okay, I'll stay." That day is not today. We haven't known each other long, but I already know you. Of course I know your name, your job and all those other menial things, but more than that I know you. I know the way your chest moves when you laugh and the way you smirk when you think I'm being ridiculous. I know how you like to be kissed and I can feel your deepest insecurities when we lay here, just like this. I can make your heart beat faster and temperature rise and I know what it feels like to pace my breathing to yours.
I also know that you'll leave, just like you always do.
Your weight shifts as you move to get up. I react slowly, pushing myself up and away. You look at me and I think I see some secret emotion flit across your face, but it is gone as quickly as it came. You put on your shoes and as you stand, you take my hand and pull me up. You pull me behind you like a father to a child. One last embrace and a quick kiss before you pull open the door. The morning is cool and crisp. As cold air hits me, I am made aware once again of what I've been ignoring; that there is nothing so ominous as the creeping loneliness that comes when you leave.
I put my back against the door and sink slowly to sit on the worn carpet. A sigh escapes my lips as I acknowledge the desperate nothing that is left in your absence. Am I in love with you? Certainly not, but I did love you intensely for those few precious hours that belonged to us.