Monday, July 12, 2010

My Lament

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!”

A while back, I put this quote in one of my posts. Then, I came to the stark realization that I am not one of the people described in the quote. I think I want to be. Though, I'm not sure I can be, I'm certainly going to try. I used to be what I thought was an extrovert. I had a ton of friends and always wanted to be with all of them. I was also quite the flake. I would make and break plans like it was going out of style. I don't know when it happened, but I'm now more of an introvert. I'd often rather spend time with a few close friends or by myself and I get uneasy in large groups of people. I'll be the first to admit that I can still be a flake sometimes, but for completely different reasons.

A couple of weeks ago, my counselor explained to me what the difference between extrovert and introvert was. (I couldn't hide my disappointment when it differed greatly from what I learned from the Berenstain Bears.) With this new understanding of those terms, I now know that I wasn't a true extrovert, because an extrovert is someone who has a lot of friends but on a very superficial level. I did have a lot of friends, but I was very close with all of them. They always talked to me, trusted me and confided in me. It wasn't necessarily mutual, but that's a different post for a different day. I now have a few friends, but I feel like most of them are on a fairly superficial level. I never know what's going on in their lives, we don't really talk about anything too deep, and I find myself spending less and less time with them.
I can't help but wonder what about me has changed to bring about this dramatic change in the friendships I have.
Have I lost something?
Is it something that I can fix?
Do I even need to fix it?

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